Léa's Awesome Adventures

I feel incredibly stupid. It's nothing that just happened, but it's the first time I want to talk about it. I'm thinking perhaps it'll help me to write this, or at least I'm hoping it will.

I've always made friends easily, especially on neopets. A few have lied to me, but most people I met on that site are awesome. In fact, someone I consider to be one of my best friends is a user of neo, and we speak on a daily basis. So when I met 'him' and got along with him well, I added him on MSN and we spoke.

After a while, I began to become infatuated with him. That's how he put it, and he couldn't have been more right. We spoke as often and as much as we could, and eventually I started to fall in love with him. He has a girlfriend, as I knew from the beginning. I couldn't dislike myself more than I did, and still do for even feeling this, especially since it's not the first time I've fallen for a taken guy.

We continued speaking, and one day the topic of our eventual meeting came. I didn't feel threatened, but I was a bit extremely nervous. Since it was to arrive in a few months, I didn't think much of it. All I wanted was to talk to him, touch him, and see if he was the person I thought he was.

Then he stopped logging on MSN. I'm still not sure why - perhaps he blocked me, perhaps he doesn't have it anymore. I managed to convince myself he'd get on eventually, but I'm still waiting. I know there's something more than that.

I think I sent him three neomails, and I was on every night for a few weeks. I just hoped he'd get on and talk to me. It's not as if he didn't have a way to contact me. It's only last week that I understood he either doesn't want to hear about me anymore, or he was leading me on for the whole time.

I had such hopes, and it hurt so much to see them all shatter. I loved him, I love him and I'll probably love him for a long time. And part of me wants him to read this, just so he can see what he meant to me - what he still means to me. However, my rational side tells me it's better if he doesn't, since it'll give me time to heal my heart.

What's pathetic is that a small part of my head still wants to believe that he's just gone for a while, and that he'll get on and explain what happened.
And tell me he loves me.

I love him.

                                                                                                     

Hello, hello everyone.
Started school yesterday, and I'm already sick of it. I used to like going to school because I could see my friends, but I've been in this place for four years. I know everyone that I want to know, and I see everyone that matters to me outside school. So you could say I'm not exactly motivated.

I'm learning how to kick people out of my life when they make me feel bad, which is a good thing since I was never able to do that. I've been using that ability a lot lately, and I'm much happier now. I'm also learning to make myself happy before thinking about the others, and even though some will say it's an incredibly selfish thing to do, I don't agree. If I don't take care of myself, no one will.

Also, my love life is completely messed up at the moment.